Pant-Wearing Freak

Summary: What could Bella walk in on that would scar her for life?Christmas will never be the same for Bella, especially when one song keeps playing every time she turns on the radio. Rated M for disturbing metal images ;

AN: This is my entry for the Broken Record Holiday Contest. I had entirely too much fun writing this. I hope everyone enjoys my sick sense of humor.

My fabulous beta Birdee18 helped to make this so much better. Thanks for being an awesome beta and friend. Oh, and she said beware when reading. You won't want to be eating or drinking.

Thanks to my wonderful ladies at The Writer's Coffee Shop. You guys will never know how much your support means. Thanks TO82 for reading this and making sure it wasn't too ridiculous.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight. Bob Rivers owns the song Walkin' 'Round in Women's Underwear. I just had fun combining the two.
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Oh. My. God. Some things just can't be unseen once they're burned into your brain. The sight of my father, the Chief of Police dancing around the kitchen in a white lace teddy, garter belt, thigh highs, and high heels was beyond disturbing.

It was a Saturday afternoon two weeks before Christmas when my tale of woe began. I was supposed to be staying the weekend at my best friend Alice's house. Her dad was out of town on business, and her mother set up the ultimate girl's weekend for all of us. Our list of activities included mani/pedis, chick flicks, gossip, and putting the final touches on our dresses for the Christmas Ball.

The wives of the hospital board members held a formal dance on Christmas Eve every year. It was the biggest event of the year. You might as well commit social suicide by not attending. This would be my first year to actually enjoy the ball and not work as a volunteer. Normally I could either be found manning the coat check or the refreshment table. I actually had a boyfriend this year and would be able to wear a beautiful dress and enjoy the evening wrapped in his arms.

Edward and I had been friends since Junior High. He finally got the nerve up to ask me on a date last year. I was a nervous wreck until Edward picked me up that night. I didn't want anything to change between us. We were great friends, and I didn't want to lose that relationship with him. All of my nervousness was for naught. The date was perfect. We talked like we always had, and I loved the feel of his hand wrapped around mine. The kiss goodnight was all it took for both of us to realize we were perfect for each other. The rest, they say, is history.

Alice threw open the door to her house before I could even lift my hand to ring the bell. "Bells, you are late!"

I blushed. "I'm sorry, Ali. I was finishing up making a few things for Dad to eat this weekend. You know he can't even boil water without a visit from the fire department."

Alice laughed and pulled me into her house. "Well, we can't have the fine men of Forks Fire Department showing up at your house when you aren't there. That would be such a waste of man-meat." I cringed at her use of the word man-meat. "Now, where's your dress? We have lots of alterations to do to it."

I slapped my hand on my forehead. "Oh my god! I left it at home."

Alice turned me around and shoved me out the front door. "Isabella, you will go straight home and get that dress." She had her arms folded in front of her chest and was tapping her toe. I couldn't help but crack a smile at the sight of my best friend.

"Sir, yes, sir," I said to Alice as I saluted her. She scowled at me and picked up a vase from the entry table and drew it back like she was going to throw it at me. I quickly turned around and made a run for my truck before I could get assaulted with lead crystal.

I was surprised to see Charlie's cruiser sitting in the drive-way when I returned home. I thought he had to work a double that day and wouldn't be home until around midnight. I shrugged my shoulders and made my way to the front door. I was surprised at the sounds I heard coming from the house the closer I got to the front door. Madonna's "Like a Virgin" was playing at full blast. After unlocking the door, I hesitantly entered the house wondering what the hell was going on. I turned the corner into the kitchen, and that's when my whole world changed. I shrieked when I saw Charlie dancing around the kitchen in women's lingerie.

Charlie turned quickly, ending in a crouch with his gun drawn. Where the hell did he have that thing stored? I shuddered at the thought and decided that I really didn't want to know the answer to that question. I then began to realize how sad it was that my father moved around more gracefully in heels than I could ever dream of.

"Bells, what the hell are you doing home?" Charlie asked as he lowered his gun but remained in his crouch.

I just stood staring my father down in disbelief. "Dad? W-what are you w-wearing?"

Charlie looked down at his clothes and turned as red as a tomato all over his body. "Shit! Um...I just...aw hell. Bells, you were supposed to be gone all weekend. What are you doing home?" He finally stood up and crossed his hands over his chest and started tapping his toe.

"I came home because I forgot my dress for the ball. I thought you were working a double today. I never expected to walk into my own home to find that my father is a cross dresser!" I had started talking in a calm voice but ended up screaming by the time I was done.

"I'm not a cross dresser," he said, hanging his head in shame.

"If you aren't a cross dresser, then how the hell do you explain this?" I asked, waving my hand up and down at his ridiculous attire.

"I just like the way they feel."

"How long have you been doing this?" I pinched the bridge of my nose with my thumb and forefinger; a habit I'd picked up from Edward.

Charlie sighed. "About two years after Renee left, I'd had a night of heavy drinking when I found some of her lingerie buried in a box in the closet. The fabric was so soft and silky and I always like the feel of it on Renee, so I thought ‘what the hell' and put it on."

I was staring at my father in utter disbelief. "Okay that was way TMI, Dad. It was bad enough to walk in the kitchen and see this," I said, pointing at my scantily clad father. "But to hear you say that is beyond disturbing." I shuddered.

"Bells, you were never supposed to know about this," he whispered with his head hung in shame.

I sighed. "Look, I'll just grab my dress, go back to Alice's, and let's try to pretend this never happened. From now on, if I'm not supposed to be home, I'll call if I need to come home for any reason."

Charlie gave me a sheepish smile. "Thanks, kiddo."

I hurried to my room, grabbed my dress, and bolted out the door without a second glance toward my father. I drove back to Alice's in such a daze that I didn't remember making the trip. I was surprised when I heard Alice knock on the window to my truck.

"Bella, what the hell is going on? I've been standing here for the past few minutes trying to get your attention. What took you so long?" She was talking like an ADHD kid hyped up on pixie sticks and Red Bull.

"Slow down, Ali. Sorry, I just ran into Charlie at home. We were both surprised to see each other." I reached over to the passenger side of the truck and grabbed the dress. Alice yanked it from my hands and danced her way back into her house. I needed to make sure all sugar and caffeine products were hidden from my hyper friend.

The next few hours passed in a blur. Alice finished altering my dress while Rose gave me a pedi. I didn't care for the hot pink polish she used on my toes, but there was no stopping her. Mrs. Brandon busied herself in the kitchen making us all sorts of junk food for the movie marathon that would be starting shortly.

I was busy painting Rose's toes when I heard it for the first time. At first I thought I was imagining things. It was the tune of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland," but the lyrics were nothing like I remembered.

Lacy things, the wife is missin'
Didn't ask, her permission
I'm wearin' her clothes
Her silk pantyhose
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear

In the store, there's a teddy
Little straps, like spaghetti
It holds me so tight
Like handcuffs at night
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear

I stared at the radio in disbelief as the song started talking about men wearing women's underwear.

Alice squealed. "This is the funniest song I've ever heard! Do you really think there are men who like to wear women's lingerie?"

"Ali, there are some pretty sick guys out there that get off on that kinda shit, so I'm sure there are some sickos who do." Rose gave Alice a look like she was a naive little girl.

"Um, I'm sure it happens. I bet we'd be surprised to know who actually would do it," I whispered in embarrassment. Rose's reaction to the song and subject made me realize that I couldn't even confide in my best friends the disturbing new development about my dad.

The rest of the girls' night went smoothly. We stuffed ourselves with the wonderful things Mrs. Brandon made for us, watched a ridiculous amount of chick flicks, and gossiped about Lauren and Jessica getting caught behind the gym with Newton. I could totally see skanky Lauren and cocky Newton being into a three-some, but Jessica was a shock. I guess there really wasn't anything she wasn't willing to do to get Newton.

It seemed like the world was out to taunt me with my shocking discovery of Charlie's penchant for wearing silk and lace. That next week I heard that damn song every time I turned on the radio. I cringed any time the music for it would start up. Rose and Alice were thoroughly amused with the lyrics so always cranked it up and happily sang along with it. Neither seemed to notice my discomfort with the song. I just kept praying that I would make it through this holiday season without killing either one of them or anyone finding out my dark family secret. Of course, my luck was never that good.

It was two days before the Christmas Ball when the cat was let out of the bag. I'd been at the mall with Alice, Rose, Jasper, Emmett, and Edward. We were doing some last minute shopping. The guys were off in the arcade while we girls finished shopping. I left Alice and Rose in the shoe department at Saks and headed to Victoria's Secret to get a few items for myself. I hated going to Vicky's with them. They always made me try on the most ridiculous lingerie.

That damn song started playing through the store's sound system. I sighed in frustration and mumbled, "Why me, Lord? Have I not been a good daughter? Why must you torture me with this ridiculous song to remind me that my father is a panty-wearing freak?"

A throat clearing from behind me made me jump a foot in the air. I slowly turned around clutching my heaving chest and was shocked to see Emmett standing there with a shit-eating grin on his face. "Emmett, what the hell are you doing here?"

"IzzyB, did my ears deceive me? Did you just call your dad a panty-wearing freak?" He waggled his eye brows at me.

"Um...no...I...I said he was a panty-loving freak." My voice raised an octave on the last two words.

"This is me you're talking to. You know you can't lie to me. So tell me, does the Chief really like to wear this?" He was twirling a pair of lacy boy shorts on his finger.

I groaned and dropped my head into my hands.

"Oh shit! Speak of the devil," Emmett said as he pulled me down behind a rack of robes. I started to protest when he threw his hand over my mouth. "Look at the corset rack," he whispered.

I looked at the corset rack and felt my stomach drop. Glancing through the silky garments was my father. He had a euphoric smile on his face as he made it a point to touch as many garments as possible. I shuddered at the sight.

"Edward is gonna shit when he finds this out." I gave Emmett a look of sheer horror.

"You can't! No one can know this. Please!" I had a death grip on Emmett's collar as I begged him to keep this secret.

"IzzyB, how long have you known about Charlie's love for lady wear?"

"About two weeks." Emmett gave me a surprised look at my confession.

"He seems rather comfortable in this store to only have been doing it for a few weeks."

"Well, he's been doing it longer than that. I just had the bad luck of catching him in the act a few weeks ago," I blushed.

Emmett fell over clutching his stomach trying not to laugh too loud. I started to see tears streaming down his face. I was so glad my complete humiliation over my father's freaky life style was so amusing to him. I smacked him on the arm. "Would you stop," I said through clenched teeth.

"I'm sorry, IzzyB. I couldn't help myself. I just have one question. Does he borrow your panties?" I smacked Emmett on the back of his head so heard that a loud pop could be heard across the store. Rose would've been proud.

"Bells, what are you and Emmett doing on the floor?" I froze at the sound of my father's voice. "Is there something you'd like to tell me?" My face went from white to red in .03 seconds. I wished I could've faded into the floor.

"Hey, Dad. Emmett just tripped." Charlie gave me a disbelieving look.

"So, Chief, what brings you to the land of lace and silk? Buying something nice for your secret piece on the side?" Emmett grinned.

Charlie and I were both caught of guard by Emmett's question. I stared at him in horror while Charlie started stammering. "Well, um, I was just, um, trying to find a nice pair of pajamas for Bella for Christmas. Sorry to ruin the surprise." Charlie gave me a pleading look. I gave him a slight nod letting him know that I would go along with his ruse.

"You're such a good dad. Most would be too scared to step foot in here. Well, me and IzzyB need to go meet up with everyone else. It was good to see you, Chief." Emmett gave my dad a quick salute and dragged me out of the store.

"Em, you have to swear to me that no one, not even Rose, will ever hear about this from you."

"I cross my heart and hope to die," he said, crossing his heart with his fingers to emphasize his promise.

Just because Emmett promised not to say anything didn't mean he wouldn't torture me with his new found knowledge. The next few days were filled with random panty or lingerie comments. He also played that damn song any chance he got. Rose and Alice were totally confused by his comments while I would turn red and smack him on his head. Jasper and Edward just laughed each time. They loved the idea that Emmett had found a new way to irritate me to the point of hitting him.

It was finally Christmas Eve, and I spent the day at Alice's house getting ready for the ball. I was nervous since it was my first ball that I got to attend as a guest. My day was spent in a chair with Alice, Rose, and Mrs. Brandon fussing over my hair and make up. I was pleased that they didn't go overboard with anything. My hair was curled and pulled up with a few tendrils loose around my face. My makeup was very light, only enhancing my natural features.

Alice had made me a simple red, sleeveless, silk chiffon gown with a gathered empire waist and plunging V neckline. It flowed all the way to the floor. Edward loved the dress and couldn't keep his eyes off of me for the entire evening. All of the stress this dress caused was worth it in the end. Edward and I had a wonderful evening dancing and visiting with our friends. Emmett was kind enough not to tease me with lingerie comments. It was quickly approaching midnight, which meant the end of the most magical evening I'd ever had. I was on the dance floor wrapped in Edward's arms when my night took a turn for the worse.

"We're going to liven up the mood just a bit before we call this evening to a close. This is a special request for IzzyB from your Emmy Bear." The DJ was grinning like the Cheshire cat as he started the song. I cringed as the song started to play. Edward gave me a curious look.

"Bella, why did Emmett dedicate this song to you?"

"I'm gonna kill him," was my only response. I wriggled my way out of Edward's arms and stomped over to Emmett. I grabbed his arm and pulled him away from Rose. She was about to say something when I shot her a death glare. She quickly backed down. I finally stopped when I reached the balcony.

"Emmett, what the hell was that all about?"

"Calm down, IzzyB. I couldn't resist. No one else has a clue what's going on. It's our own private joke. Please don't be mad at me." Emmett was pleading with me by the time he finished talking.

"Emmett, I honestly don't find it very funny. Please stop. It's bad enough I have to live with this; please stop making it harder on me."

"I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't mean to make life miserable for you. I didn't mean to take things too far. Please forgive me." Emmett looked at me with his bottom lip sticking out in a pout. He knew I couldn't resist the pout. I sighed in resignation and nodded my head. He gave me a huge bear hug and walked me back to Edward.

"Is everything okay, baby?" Edward asked, concerned.

"Yeah." Edward wrapped his arms around me, and we enjoyed the last dance of the evening.

Christmas morning was quite the event. I woke up to the smell of pancakes and bacon. I panicked, thinking Charlie had cooked. I ran downstairs to find Emmett standing in the kitchen wearing an apron flipping pancakes.

"Hey, IzzyB. Merry Christmas!"

I gave him a suspicious look and turned to the table to find Charlie happily eating. "Merry Christmas, Emmett. Why are you in my kitchen on Christmas morning making me breakfast?"

"Well, I wanted to apologize for torturing you these past few days. I honestly didn't mean to upset you. Charlie was kind enough to help me out and set this breakfast feast up for you."

I glanced at Charlie and smiled at the proud look on his face. "Thanks, guys."

"No problem, IzzyB. Charlie and I had a very good talk while you were sleeping. We came to an understanding." I couldn't figure out what the hell Emmett was talking about.

"Yeah. Emmett agreed to keep his big mouth shut about my affection for lady wear, and I agreed not to throw his ass in jail for the streaking incident last month." Charlie grinned wickedly at Emmett.

I looked back and forth between the two for a few minutes before finally giving up. I didn't know how Charlie found out that Emmett knew and honestly, I didn't want to know. All I knew was my father was out of the closet to Emmett and thankfully had power over him to keep his mouth shut.

"So, Dad, does your cross-dressing tendencies mean you're gay?" Charlie choked on his coffee.

"Isabella, let's get a few things straight. Number one, I've already told you I'm not a cross-dresser. Please drop that. Number two, I'm most definitely not gay." He was talking in his official police chief voice.

"Sorry, Dad." I hung my head down in embarrassment. It was still hard to accept that my dad liked to wear women's underwear.

"It's okay, kiddo. I know this isn't the best thing to know about your old man, but it's who I am. You two are the only ones who know this about me. I'm not ashamed of the fact that I wear lingerie; I just don't think people would understand. I also don't want you to have problems over it. People just don't understand and I know the kids at school would give you hell over it. I love you, Bells, and don't ever want to do anything to make your life hard." Charlie wiped the sweat from his brow. That was obviously hard for him to say.

I choked back the tears that threatened to fall. My dad wasn't a freak. I realized at that moment that I didn't care if he liked to wear silk and lace. As long as he was happy, then I'd be happy for him. I gave him a big hug.

"I love you, Daddy."

"I love you too, kiddo."

Emmett cleared his throat and thrust a gift into my face. I thought we'd already exchanged our gifts. "I know we've already done this. Just open the damn thing."

I smiled at him and started ripping off the paper. I removed the lid from the box and dug through the red tissue paper. I looked in horror at what I'd pulled out of the box. I was holding a purple leopard and lace babydoll. I couldn't believe Emmett had gotten that for me. I looked in the box to see a set of detachable garters and matching thong. My face turned bright red.

"Emmett, what the hell?"

"It just screamed 'naughty Bella' so I had to get it for you," Emmett snickered.

The words that came from my dad's mouth officially scarred me for life.

"Damn, Bells, that's nice. Do you think I could borrow it sometime?"